


Your People

by MrsVisyakSinger



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Eric Cartman Being An Asshole, F/M, Humor, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 15:51:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13080210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsVisyakSinger/pseuds/MrsVisyakSinger
Summary: Your easy-going Saturday morning is interrupted by the fact that Eric Cartman is looking for you. Your boyfriend refused to reveal your whereabouts and so did your buddy, Kyle. But, now Cartman is standing outside your door and begging for your help...? Funny reader-insert, Reader/whoever you want, Kyle/Nichole, Cartman/Heidi. Aged-up chars and silliness throughout, it's a fun time with some grown-up humor. One-shot, enjoy!





	Your People

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first South Park fic and well, I hope it doesn't suck. 
> 
> Anyway, I couldn't decide who to pair reader-chan with so I have y/bf/n (your boyfriend's name) when reader-chan's boo thang is mentioned. Pair yourself with whoever you want (or pair yourself with a lady if you like, it's really up to you). Speaking of couples, I love Kyle and Nichole together but, that might just be me so, I put them together. Characters are aged up here if that wasn't obvious.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I do not own the brand Lush Cosmetics. They are mentioned here and add to the humor.

Ah, Saturday. A day to forget about the screeching bells in the halls of South Park High. There wasn’t much to do in the little town you’d moved to back in 4th grade but, you didn’t hate it here.

 

In all those years, you’d made friends here. Sure, they were weirdos but, so were you and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Smiling at the memory, you went to fix yourself some breakfast at almost noon. You didn’t do this often. Besides, you had a big night ahead of you what with…

 

Your phone went off, shaking you from those thoughts. Kyle was calling.

 

“What up, Bro-lofski?” You answered, making sure to use that new nickname you’d coined for him.

 

“Not much, (y/n)...” His voice trailed off for a second.

 

“Everything okay? You and Nichole still on for game night tonight?” The worry in your voice was clear.

 

“Yeah, no problems there. It’s...” Kyle stifled a laugh, “Sorry, this is gonna sound ridiculous.”

 

“Do tell, good sir,” Your anxiety over the moment melted, now you wanted to know what was so funny.

 

“Cartman is looking for you,” Kyle collapsed into a fit of laughter.

 

“Why?” Shock was such a mild word for the disbelief in your voice.

 

“He wouldn’t say. (Y/bf/n) wouldn’t tell him if you were home or not,” Kyle had to calm his laughter to explain.

 

At this moment, there was a knock at the door.

 

“Shit!” You cursed under your breath.

 

Slowly, you crept over to the door and looked through the peephole. Cartman was standing on your doorstep.

 

You whispered into your phone, “The fatass has landed."

 

“You need backup?” Kyle asked.

 

“I’ll text if need be, later!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Two minutes, Cartman. You’ve got two minutes to explain why in the hell you’ve been bugging everyone about where to find me.” You crossed your arms, not letting him into your house.

 

Here was Eric Cartman: rather unchanged from childhood save for getting significantly taller.

 

Cartman and that Heidi girl had developed a ‘wonderful’ toxic relationship of sorts. They were now that on-again-off-again couple. They should’ve stopped seeing each other already. But, only time would tell.

 

Speaking of, Cartman was wearing a bulky purple scarf. It probably belonged to Heidi.

 

Before you could ask, Cartman removed the scarf. In doing so, he revealed a huge zit. The zit was below his nose. It was big enough that it was touching his lip.

 

You covered your mouth in a combination of shock and doing your best not to laugh at him.

 

“(Y/n),” Cartman began, “I’ve come to you because your people know about these sorts of things...

 

You raised an eyebrow, “My people!? Is that some racist—“

 

Cartman cut you off, “Yes, your people. The ones that go on the rag and ovulate.”

 

“Women is the word you’re looking for,” You sighed, “What is it that you’d like me to help you with? Your time is running short.”

 

“Pleeeaaaase help me deal with this,”  Cartman begged in his exaggerated tone as he pointed to his zit.

 

You said nothing, waiting to see if he would beg more.

 

He continued, “I know you have products to treat these things.”

 

You were still confused. But, after wracking your brain a bit, you knew what he meant.

 

Last month, a Lush store had opened up in the South Park Mall. You’d gone and bought a couple of products such as several face masks. Those very face masks hadn’t failed you yet.

 

You weren’t the only one who’d bought stuff from the Lush store. Why did he come to you?

 

“There are plenty of other girls in our grade who…”

 

You should’ve known better than to try speaking a full sentence.  Cartman was going to interrupt, regardless.

 

“Because everyone knows your mom gave you like a billion dollars to spend in the store, duh!” He clarified.

 

A gift certificate and another gift certificate you’d saved weren’t ‘a million bucks’. Your explanation would never come out so, you didn't bother.

 

“If I help you, what’s in it for me?” You asked, knowing you had to play his game.

 

Cartman began breathing at a normal rate through his crocodile tears, “If you help me I’ll…”

 

“30 seconds…” You tapped your phone screen.

 

He mumbled something under his breath.

 

“What was that? I’m about to close my door,” You grabbed hold of the inside door knob.

 

“If you help me I’ll never try to steal your signed Terrance and Phillip poster again to try and sell on eBay!” Cartman held his hands up in surrender.

 

You smirked, you’d won the war.

 

All those times he’d tried to steal the poster from you were ridiculous. All the way back to 4th grade, Cartman wouldn’t shut up about the value of the poster. Terrance and Phillip were has-beens by then. Yet,  Cartman never shut up about the poster. He claimed it was now vintage and thus, stupid hipsters would pay ridiculous amounts of money for it.

 

After the twenty-something time he tried stealing the poster, you'd punched him. That was in middle school.

 

By freshman year of high school rolled around, you’d lost track of how many times he’d attempted stealing the poster. You'd gone so far as putting an alarm and camera on your bedroom window.

 

Sure, Cartman never broke in. Though, the fact that you had plenty of video of him standing outside your window spoke volumes.

 

“Fine, I’ll help you,” You gestured for him to come inside, “But, after I help you, you have to leave right after. Got it?”

 

* * *

 

You lead the way to the bathroom, expecting Cartman to make comments about tampons and the like. Luckily, he kept his mouth shut.

 

“Okay, this is the zit clearing shit I use,” you held up a plastic container, “It’s called Birth of Venus. You leave it on for ten minutes, rinse and that’s all.”

 

“That's it?” Cartman looked up at you.

 

“Yeah,” you opened the container and began applying the mask to your face.

 

“What’re you doing?” He asked.

 

“Showing you how it’s done. Come on now,” You held the open container towards him.

 

“Heh, this kinda looks like Smurf cum,” He took some of the face mask out of the container.

 

You sighed, there was the old Cartman.

 

At least he’d grown some brains since 4th grade. Without being prompted, he applied larger amounts of the face mask to his problem area.

 

These were going to be a long ten minutes…

 

“What’s that over there?” Cartman pointed to a much smaller container.

 

“Oh, that’s lip scrub,” You picked it up, “It gets the dead skin off of your lips. You scrub your lips with it, wait until the tingling stops and then lick off the excess.”

 

Cartman’s eyes went wide in disbelief, “You lick it off!?”

 

“Yeah, it’s okay to do that much. Not like you’re straight up eating…”

 

“What flavor is it?” Yet again, he interrupted.

 

“Chocolate,” You hoped this conversation would end sooner than later.

 

“And, what’s that one?” He pointed to unopened one.

 

“Popcorn. These are pretty cheap, actually. They’re only ten dollars,” You explained.

 

“Wow, (y/n). That's so cool,” Cartman kept staring at the little container.

 

You weren't sure if he was being sarcastic or not. You decided to ignore him either way.

 

* * *

 

“Okay, ten minutes are up,” You felt your heart stop beating at lightning speed.

 

It was your turn to not let him get a word in, "Now you wash this off with water and dry your face.”

 

You turned on the water for the bathroom sink and gestured to towards the sink, “Here, you first.”

 

Cartman nodded and walked over to the sink. He washed off his face and then accepted the paper towel you handed him.

 

“It looks way less swollen!” Cartman smiled at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

 

“Yeah, it has that effect on zits,” You leaned over the sink to wash your face off, “Hope that helped.”

 

You washed your face off next thing you knew, Cartman was gone.

 

At least he’d gone by your ultimatum.

 

You were about to turn off the bathroom light, when, you noticed something amiss.

 

The container of your popcorn lip scrub was missing. A ten dollar bill was now its place.

 

* * *

 

Monday morning came and you were back at South Park High.

 

The day went about as usual and finally, lunchtime rolled around.

 

You sat with Kyle, Nichole and (y/bf/n). They were well aware of the situation involving Cartman, the face mask, and the lip scrub. 

 

“Uh, (y/n)?” Kyle gestured toward Cartman’s table.

 

“What?” You looked over without making it obvious.

 

“He does realize those products aren’t for eating, right?” Nichole said what you were all thinking.

 

But, there was the now zit-free Cartman: eating your popcorn lip scrub as if it were a snack. While he was still a jerk in his own right, at least he’d left you the money to replace it with.

 

"What an idiot," You rolled your eyes and again, realized ignoring the guy all together was better.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, there really is a Lush Cosmetics product called The Birth of Venus and it is a face mask. I own it and, a couple of friends of mine and I nicknamed it 'Smurf Cum' (it's a lightish blue). And yes, the lip scrubs are Lush products and they do exist. 
> 
> I figure Cartman would leave money for the lip scrub if only not to have Kyle and reader-chan's boo thang be on him about it. Plus, Cartman is all talk most of the time so, I figure reader-chan would've punched him again if he didn't at least pay for the lip scrub. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you had fun reading this :)


End file.
